why bullying is bullshit

‘these kids are soft! bring back bullying! bring back shame!’

come on, take a seat. this one’s just for you, but be forewarned; there is no hand-holding here!

first, bullies, i’d like to offer you some insight into what you already know. you’re this way because your mama, daddy, granny, teacher, cousin, brother, or whoever hurt you was like this. i hear you, but, when will you consider or acknowledge that you had and still have a choice to be different? don’t do it now. there’s no point in rushing and it would probably be inauthentic so let’s explore what you may have experienced. still not holding your hand though.

you grew up around these people that you somehow knew should love you, that they had a duty to do right by you, only you didn’t feel it. you felt invisible in your good deeds and accomplishments but stardom in your mishaps. then, you went to school and met more people like them so it began to make sense. ‘everyone is like this.’ the people in your life always found something to pick and jab at, metaphorically or literally. they made sure you knew you weren’t worth much unless you were in their good graces, in which you tried your best to stay to avoid any pain. they kept you in a cycle of disrespect and devotion, and you forgot which way was up. they praised you for your intelligence, poise, maturity, and even your feigned confidence then proceeded to remind you of your supposed flaws (which, fun fact, are usually projections of themselves). your auntie overweight-ophelia loved your dresses but always commented about the rolls poking through the fabric. daddy dearest admired your spunk and passion but felt it his parental duty to constantly inform you of your laziness and worthlessness. in school you either strived to excel or purposely failed, no in between. you just wanted some attention, you know, what you believed to be love. fast-forward a bit and you feel completely unseen in your relationships; you decide you need either no one or everyone. you tried to be the meanie on the block, the one people would be afraid of, or you simply went on in life attempting to keep your head low and do whatever you needed to get through the current phase and onto the next one. you probably didn’t explore your interests or your talents unless it was pleasing to others and you didn’t like yourself much. eventually you became stuck in a perpetual pattern of self-loathing and indifference to life. this is probably a lot… take a break if you need to! grab some water or a snack then come on back.

i’m not saying anything you don’t already know whether or not you’ve faced it. awareness begets accountability, and without accountability there can be no change. i get it though. you probably don’t want to change because you see no need. ‘these kids are soft! bring back bullying! bring back shame!’ right. raise secure, assertive, kind, loving humans without hurting and abusing them? why on earth would we do that when we can attempt to bully them into submission, call it ‘preparation,’ and scar them for life where the only reward they reap from it is through the valor they gather from the mud and utilize to somehow, miraculously, form a sense of self? now that’s a plan!

this may surprise you but the ability to be quick-witted, confident, and unmovable is attainable without the demolishment of self-esteem. no really, it is, i swear! you don’t believe me do you? alright, well, you know me. let’s try out some metaphors:

would you rather purchase a house that’s been bulldozed three times, each time being rebuilt on shaky foundation, until an owner with a vision and an architect with credentials collaborated and changed everything to make it look modern and innovative or a house originally built with strong, brick, bones and timeless adornments that lasts several generations with simple upkeep and a little t.l.c.?

not seeing it yet? how about a car that’s been wrecked, salvaged, and sold for parts that some day somehow becomes a working vehicle made in some cool teenager’s garage or the honda passed down from your grandpa that only needs a tuneup and a paint job?

are you picking up what the fuck i’m putting down?

the point is this: sure, one’s got lore and an interesting story to tell someone who will listen but the other has just as many stories, just as much charisma with even more charm. the difference is these stories are of longevity, stamina, and strength. one is like trauma bond between friends or a romantic relationship that will rock your world (ultimately not in a good way) that won’t stand the test of time or growth while the other is a generational tale to be told before a big game or project, or through laughter at sunday dinner.

that “modern” house, with the siding everywhere and terrible insulation? that’s you, and it may possibly be your kids. you (yes, you) would rather it take a quarter of your child’s life for them to love themselves and possibly know what it feels like to be loved by others (which you will resent anyway because you will be in your 50s or older still struggling to accomplish this) than for them to feel it out the gate? sadistic. we have all these angrily anxious adults walking around and somehow, oh so stupidly, people not only overlook but deny the impact of children being surrounded by ridicule and raised by the picking and prodding of their peers and their family.

how about this: just say you want revenge! ‘hurt people hurt people’ right? just admit that daddy and aunt ophelia did you damage and there is a part of you that enjoys seeing others suffer, as you did, even if they are your children. no, seriously, try it. you may actually feel better; the children, the people, around you may just suffer less and thrive more.

wait… silly me. that’s what you don’t want! got it!

well, i’d usually say some form of ‘peace be,’ and even though this is difficult i’ll say this: so long as you wreak havoc in the lives of others you will never truly know peace. you will pretend, even feel it in some fleeting moments, but the times you sigh while looking in the mirror or slam your closet door shut in frustration will always haunt you until the peace you need is forged through self-accountability and, hopefully, self-forgiveness. that’s what it takes.

as someone who has lived life with bullies throughout my inner circle (parents, best friends, husband even!) who tried out being the meanie (it was one year in middle school and it was terrible) i will also say this: being judgmental, disrespectful, and overall unloving never made me like myself more. being called to the counselor’s office, put in in-school suspension, and laughing at others’ pain and isolation never made me feel more loved by my mother or supported by my best friend.

if by some chance you are the bully who believes you are benefitting from the disdain of those around you, i promise you, you are simply attempting to fool yourself out of the reality that those who were supposed to love, uplift, and guide you didn’t. in fact, they made you feel the opposite. though i empathize, i can never excuse.

wishing us all the healing we require to be better human beings.

—brielle niarra: a human, female, daughter, friend, classmate, coworker, partner, wife, mother, old-friend, cousin-who-rarely-shows-up-to-the-family-function, ex-wife who by the grace of God is consistently overcoming and against several odds raising a confident, emotionally intelligent, kind, and empathetic little human who knows love.

gratitude.

hey, i said no hand-holding…

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